The FAQ on How to Operate a Vehicle
by Mr. Ree and Mr. Meenor
Summary: He blames his doctor for not learning how to drive. Kanda blames his insanity. Will Lavi be able to learn the basics of driving? Or will he fail utterly? There's only one way to find out. AU.


Yo! I am trying forthwith to have some fun. Kurokumo here, inputting yet another one-shot (lots of those lately. Must be a rut or something) to the D. Gray-Man fan fiction archive known as 'The FAQ on How to Operate a Vehicle'! I do hope you enjoy! So let us commence forthwith! (AU. Heavy stupidity of an idiotic Lavi.)

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~X~

The FAQ on How to Operate a Vehicle

Yes, he was lacking depth perception, but he certainly was not lacking determination. He wanted to learn how to drive. He craved it so that he could see his friends on the week-ends without having to ask someone else for a ride. Nothing was going to stop him from driving!

…Aside from the dooming fact that his doctor said he couldn't drive until further notice, which was stopping him from ever attempting to drive again. He sat in his room, unhappy and playing with a yo-yo and sighed. For such a cool piece of technology, it certainly had its downsides. He didn't want to help the destruction of the planet by getting into lots of car accidents. He sighed again before hearing a knock on his door.

Steadily, he rose to his feet and approached the door. The heavy knocks resonated in his ear drums once more before he knew who it was. "Yuu?"

"Che." the Japanese man glared at him with murderous intent before pushing through the door and shoving him aside. "Why the hell aren't you outside, Baka Usagi? Hell, even that girl, Miranda, is outside playing and you're the one being all depressed and shit. Come on, let's go."

"Go?" Lavi rose an eyebrow. "Go where?"

"Che. Out. Where else?"

Lavi frowned heavily. "I meant what place, Yuu-chan."

"Don't call me that." He tossed his car keys up in the air before catching them. Lavi closed the door and quickly followed after him. It was an old car, possibly from the 1990's, but it looked like it was in good shape. "We're going to that place where people socialize that I despise utterly."

"School?"

The man stopped walking and turned to look at him with a look that read, 'Are you stupid'. The scowl added the question mark to the sentence. "No, you idiot. That's for learning. Today's a Sunday. We're going to the park."

"Ooh!" Lavi's excitement picked up immediately. "Ooh, ooh!"

"Now hurry the hell up and get in the car. Your angst is seriously starting to creep me out."

He nodded and hurried into the passenger's seat, clipping on his seat belt and blinked. Foreign buttons, buttons that he had never seen before, glowed with a faint aura as the curiosity got the best of him. "Yuu-chan, what do these do?"

Kanda closed the door and placed the keys into the ignition before sighing. "Let me guess, you technology deficient nit-wit. You don't really know how to operate a car, do you?"

The heavy silence answered the man's question. He sighed. "Che. Would you like me to teach you how to drive properly unlike that half-assed attempt the other day?"

"You wouldn't mind?"

_Che. That's to be determined. _Kanda started the car and drove out of Lavi's driveway before heading out on the open road. Images blurred passed his eyes as the imagery captivated the apprentice Bookman. Buildings, bridges, trees, all lost and blurred together as dimensions intertwined while engaging in the art of driving.

"…vi."

He blinked. "Eh?"

"I said, 'Pay attention, Lavi'. Obviously, that is not your strong suit." He sighed and noticed what Lavi was staring at. "Che. Before I begin teaching you, how much _do _you know about driving cars?"

"Well… That wheel thingy-"

"A 'steering wheel'," Kanda corrected.

"Whatever. The wheel thingy makes the car change directions, and… uh… the little thingy there is where the keys go."

"And what do the pedals on the floor beneath me do, Lavi?" For some odd reason that wasn't too surprising, Kanda felt like he was talking to a five-year-old. He always felt like that when he was either talking to him, Allen or Rhode. Their intelligence was few and far between. Nothing ever seemed to stay in their lone brain cell residing in the emptiness of the skull that was only waiting to die.

Sadly, that wasn't fast enough.

"What are 'pedals', Yuu? Like pedals on a bike? Or flowers petals?"

He was going to have to arrange a meeting with Death and see if his requests were going to be fulfilled anytime soon.

"Or did you mean 'paddles'? Ooh, can this turn into a boat?"

Within the next twenty minutes or so, in fact. They would share a cup of coffee, talk about the future, then call each other over the phone and keep in touch, like any normal personification of an object would.

"Yuu, are you even paying attention? I asked you a question!"

But technically, Death wasn't an object, it was a state of being. Personifications of states of beings was the strangest concept he had ever-

"YUU!"

Kanda snapped out of his thought processes and looked over to Lavi. His face was fuming, wanting to learn how to drive. "C'mon, answer my question! Can this thing turn into a boat?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, Baka Usagi, this thing can turn into a boat. It'll float the same way the _Titanic_ did when it hit that iceberg."

"So it _can_ turn into a boat?"

The temptation to shove the idiot was overwhelming. "No! What I meant was that this thing would sink if you tried to get it over a body of water!"

"Even a puddle?"

He gave him a look that read 'Stop being stupid' and put the car into fifth gear. Lavi stared at the shift and poked it hard enough over for it to go over to third gear without hitting fourth first. The car made a funny noise and seemed to whine as Kanda grimaced and put the gear back into place. Lavi blinked.

"What was that?"

"That was the car speaking in magical tongues that only I can understand." Now Kanda was just having fun, despite his irritation.

"Wow! What'd it say?"

"It said, 'stop being such a gullible moron'."

Lavi frowned and relaxed back in his seat, staring out the window. The scenery had changed into a more country-side kind of view, with rolling hills and a river running along side them. Kanda hit a stick on the side up and a flashing arrow started blinking right. He turned right shortly afterwards as the redhead just stared in amazement. There were so many different things a car could do that he didn't even know about.

"This here is the shift," he explained. "It changes your cars' gears. If you have an automatic, it will do this for you. If not, well, you have to do it yourself. You have to hit the clutch before you shift it, though."

"Shift? Clutch? Clutchy-shift? Is this car a pervert?"

Kanda pulled up to a stop sign before looking at Lavi with a dumbstruck look on his face. "What?"

"Well, _shifty_-eyes and _clutchy_-hands, you know?" Lavi began to mess with his bandana out of feeling nervous. "It only makes sense, yes?"

Kanda glared at him. "And where are these supposed hands and eyes you speak of, Baka Usagi?"

"They're invisible! …Right?"

"No!" Kanda growled angrily. "This does not have eyes or hands!"

"Oh. What do those flashy arrows do?"

"They're the turn signals. It alerts other drivers that you're about to turn. Can you at least retain that amount of information in your lone brain cell?"

"Yuu is being mean."

Kanda groaned. Why did he even stop by his house in the first place? Well, at least he wasn't angsting anymore. He frowned. Was 'angsting' even a word? He turned down another road and slowed down. Lavi watched as a small, red line moved from the '40' to the '35' on the speedometer. "Yuu, what's that do?"

"It tells your speed in miles-per-hour."

"I didn't know Yuu did drugs."

"I don't take drugs! It's just- Gah, never mind! Working with you is impossible!"

Silence fell over the car as Kanda just focused his attention on the road and headed towards their destination. Lavi felt incredibly stupid for the first time in a long time as they arrived. Miranda bowed as they approached, but Kanda blew her off and grabbed Allen by the collar. "Next time," he growled, "you try and teach this bastard on how to drive, okay?"

"But Yuu, I can't drive! My doctor says I have no depth-perception! I just wanted to know how it works!"

"I think it's because of your _stupidity, _Baka Usagi!"

Allen felt a bead of sweat run down the side of his face as Kanda chased the redhead around the park. Miranda approached him slowly and whispered, "Are you sure they're okay? It seems to me that they're the opposite of best friends."

"Trust me," Allen said as Kanda began strangling the idiot-redhead, "they are."

~X~

Well then! I hope that was worth your time... So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It is greatly appreciated! ^.^ -K.S.


End file.
